Many of us struggle when we see a friend or loved one who's hurting because we don't know what to say or do. Often our discomfort with somebody else's distress results in us shifting into problem solving mode. No matter how effective the solutions we offer may actually be, it can result in the person we are trying to support feeling unseen or unheard, creating even more emotional distress. In response, they may react in a way that’s hurtful as we are offering our help that often makes us shut down or pause when thinking about offering support in the future.
So what is a better approach?
There is a great analogy for this exact situation called “Getting in the Hole”. When someone is struggling it’s like they are at the bottom of a deep, cold, dark, damp, dirty, smelly hole. When in problem solving mode we stand at the top of that hole giving them solutions for how to get out of it. When in reality, what they need is for someone to sit next to them at the bottom of it. This doesn’t mean you have to feel the way they feel when in the hole. In fact, what is most useful is for us to bear witness to how hard their struggle is, how impactful the hole can be, and how much we believe they have the ability to climb their way out of it when they are ready. This can sound many different ways depending on the circumstances but some simple examples might sound like….
“I’m really sorry you are dealing with this”
“This is terrible. I can see why you are struggling so much right now”
“I wish there were perfect words for you right now to make you feel better/take this pain away”
“I’m right here with you”
“I know when you are ready you can overcome this”
We often overcomplicate our responses when our own emotions are involved because we care so much about the other person, but it is often as simple as saying, “I’m so sorry, this really sucks” and just sitting in the same space with the person as they share what’s going on for them.
So next time you find yourself supporting someone going through a challenging time, take some pressure off of yourself trying to find the perfect words and try some of these phrases and see if it makes a difference. And if you or the person you care about are struggling in ways that require additional help/expertise, one of our therapists would be happy to walk alongside you on that journey. Contact us today to get connected.