All About Sarah!

CNY Therapy Solutions would like to take the opportunity to highlight one of our therapists Sarah Chapple! Sarah is a Mental Health Counselor working toward her clinical licensure while bringing her talents and clinical interests to the clientele of our practice. In an effort to assist in getting to know her better, we’ve shared some “get to know you” questions both formal and fun!

What led you into becoming a therapist?

I have always been drawn to the field and became interested in the idea of being a therapist as an undergrad majoring in psychology. It took a few career changes to get here, but it was ultimately my job as a college career counselor that reignited my interest in pursuing graduate school for mental health counseling and becoming a therapist.

What part of the job do you find most rewarding?

Hands down, the most rewarding part of the job is having the honor to hold space for others. It is such a privilege to bear witness to others’ suffering as well as their joy. Being a therapist is truly unlike any other profession - it’s more than “just a job.”

What part of the job do you find most challenging?

Holding space for others, while rewarding, can also be challenging. I genuinely care about my clients and it can sometimes be difficult to have a job that utilizes a lot of my own emotional energy.

Who are your professional/ personal role models?

I personally am in awe of all women, especially mothers. There is so much I could say about this, but I’ll just keep it simple: women are incredible.

What's a guilty pleasure TV show or movie?

How about guilty pleasure in general?! I love ordering coffee from Dunkin’ or Starbucks and probably get it way more often than my wallet would like!

What's the most adventurous thing you've ever done?  

Moved to New York City after college with no place to live or job lined up. Over ten years later, I still look back in amazement that I had the courage to do that.

Give us two truths and a lie (answer at the bottom of the page**)

I’m a boy mom.

I used to be a recruiter in the fashion industry.

I can speak Italian.

What are you most looking forward to in your professional future?  

I’m most looking forward to continuing to specialize in perinatal mental health and offering mental health support for pregnancy and postpartum. Unfortunately, perinatal support is often severely lacking for both women and their families on their reproductive journeys. I am passionate about not only supporting women and their families, but also advocating for this support.

 We are so honored to have Sarah with us! To get connected with Sarah, please reach out to us on our contact page

**And the lie is…while learning how to speak Italian has always been on her bucket list Sarah does not speak it yet!

What is Considered Progress?

Today’s post is building on a previous blog post about feeling stuck in therapy, so if you hadn't read it yet click here. The topic of the previous post was a discussion on the frustration clients may feel that the work in therapy isn't creating significant change for the client in their life. A concept I will introduce to clients is that progress often occurs in the process of therapy, not the product.   Ideally we’d love to repair those hurtful relationships, nail the interview for the dream job, obliterate depressive/anxious symptoms, and have the difficult conversations, among many other desires; but there are so many other variables around those situations that we have no control over that can get in the way of the preferred outcomes….which can leave us feeling helpless and hopeless. That’s when we are best served by focusing on our process in therapy as opposed to the outcomes alone.

Let me give an example to demonstrate what is meant by this.  Sometimes a client and I will determine that journaling could be of use in the therapy process. Often folks are concerned about the content of their journal entries not being what it “should” be in order to be helpful. In my own journaling I've given myself permission to create entries that are simple bullet points, one word, or nonsensical run on sentences -whatever it is that is needed that day.  This has made the process of journaling a lot more accessible and a lot less intimidating.   If I was worried about the content or the product of my journaling, this would probably be a barrier to my engagement in the intervention.  But the act of externally expressing and processing thoughts and feelings is what is actually helpful about journaling not the actual contents on the page.  I typically discourage clients from going back and reading journal entries unless we can decide together some sort of therapeutic benefit of that

Another example would be working with somebody who's afraid of confrontation preparing to have a difficult conversation with somebody.  Identifying the conversation needs to happen, conceptualizing the conversation, and role-playing it in their mind or in therapy is all progress even if the client never gets to the point where they have that difficult conversation.

Stepping away from black or white thinking when it comes to evaluation of progress can create many more opportunities for success and allows the process to feel much for flexible to the individual.

I'd invite you to think of times in your life where you've been hard on yourself because the product of your efforts didn't turn out the way that you originally envisioned. Go back and think about the process you engaged in first- are there spaces and places where you can identify progress being made even though the outcome didn't align with your original vision?  

I hope this way of thinking about your efforts both in and outside of the therapy room can help you extend yourself some compassion and grace as you continue to face different hurdles in life.   If you think you could benefit from additional therapeutic support click here to contact us!

Disordered Beliefs About Food and Your Body: When to Seek Help

By Caitlin Hopkins, LMSW

As a therapist for the women, I have noticed one unfortunate, heart-wrenching truth: no matter what she originally came to therapy for, somewhere woven within her story will be a disordered eating thought, experience or belief.

These false beliefs, (such as that small bodies are better bodies) are rooted in misogyny, diet culture and unrealistic beauty standards. They are so engrained in society that many times at first glance, clients don’t even realize their harm. A few examples of normalized disordered thoughts and phrases that perpetuate this harmful “thin ideal”:

• “Sweating for the wedding.”

We do not need to make our bodies smaller to be worthy of marrying, nor do we need to lose weight to fit into a dress. Dresses are made to fit our bodies, as they are, not the other way around.

• Postpartum women “getting their body back.”

You just created life. You are magic. You are never going to be the person you were before having a child, and neither is your beautiful body. Accept her. Celebrate her.

• Restricting or excessively exercising before holiday meals.

Food does not need to be earned. This transactional practice of “now that I’ve burned the calories, I can have the meal” is a harmful, slippery slope, and one to be very mindful of.

These beliefs – especially when coupled with extreme stress, depression, and/or anxiety – have the potential to manifest in more dangerous behaviors and an eating disorder diagnosis.

If these messages are so prevalent in society, what is the difference between someone who has fallen victim to diet culture beliefs about bodies, and someone who has an eating disorder? When should they seek professional help?

The major distinction here is the amount of space these thoughts take up in your mind, and if they result in drastic behaviors to change your body. It is time to seek professional help if your daily quality of life is impacted. For example, if you are obsessing over the next meal, feel anxious about social events that focus on food, lie about or hide your eating habits from others, repeatedly check your body in the mirror, weigh yourself over and over again throughout the day, or if you are engaging in any behaviors that feel unsafe or extreme (restricting, binging, purging, excessive exercise).

Ultimately, whether you are someone who has an eating disorder or someone whose body image has been negatively impacted by these unrealistic societal beauty standards, your relationship with food and your body could benefit from some healing. We all deserve to enjoy food, celebrate our bodies for all they can do and accept the skin we’re in: stretch marks and all.

All About Cait!

CNY Therapy Solutions would like to welcome Cait Hopkins to our practice. Cait is a Licensed Master Social Worker working toward her clinical licensure while bringing her talents and clinical interests to the clientele of our practice. In an effort to assist in getting to know her better, we’ve shared some “get to know you” questions both formal and fun!

What led you into becoming a therapist? 

 I have always been drawn to heart to hearts and deep conversations. I'm not one for small talk - I'd rather get to the meat of someone's lived experience. Now I get to do that all day :)

What part of the job do you find most rewarding?

 Bearing witness to someone else's healing. Many times you can actually see it unfolding in front of you. It's such a beautiful experience and honestly, an honor to be a part of.

What part of the job do you find most challenging?

 It took me a while to be able to function as the carrier of other's pain. But as heavy as some of my client's stories are, once they are out there for both of us to hold, they become much lighter.

Who are your professional/ personal role models?   

 Gabrielle Bernstien is my guru. She wrote "The Universe Has Your Back" which I have read cover to cover at least 10 times. Though she isn't a therapist, I consider her a professional role model because of the peace, mindfulness and depth she brings to healing. My personal role models are my moms. I have two of them and I am so lucky to be surrounded by their warmth, support and strength. 

What's a guilty pleasure TV show or movie? 

 I. love. Hallmark. Christmas. Movies. They are the anti-anxiety. They are all sweet and cheesy and follow the same predictable formula, which I find to be very grounding.

Most memorable vacation?  

 I have taken so many wonderful trips throughout my life, but my honeymoon was probably the best. My husband and I went to his parent's vacation home in Florida, and it was so slow and peaceful. We each brought books and read them all. I am not a go, go, go kind of person, and do not like itineraries or being busy. It was simple and relaxing and so full of love.

What's the most adventurous thing you've ever done?  

 Probably my mid-twenties move to Charlotte, North Carolina. I found myself in a place where I needed a change. I was single amidst friends who were all getting married and having babies, and I thought that maybe my person or purpose weren't in Syracuse. Long story short - I packed everything up and moved 12 hours away, and came back a few months later. You live, you learn, you try. I don't think I would be at such peace here now if I hadn't gotten the resounding "NO" that came from that move.

Give us two truths and a lie (**find the answer at the end of the blog post!) 

 I have two daughters who are 13 months apart

I do not drink coffee

I am ambidextrous 

What are you most looking forward to in your professional future?  

 Continuing to grow with my clients. There are a few people that I've worked with for a couple years now, and the depth of those relationships is something really special. If I can be a continued safe space for my caseload, I've reached my goal.

We are truly honored to have Cait with us! To get connected with Cait please connect with us on our contact page.

**And the lie is- Not only do I drink coffee, I love coffee. I look forward to it every morning and *try* to find a private moment to drink it while it's warm, if possible.

Feeling Stuck in Therapy

When working with clients it's not uncommon for them to feel frustrated that their work in therapy isn't moving the needle in their life in a way that feels significant.  This is especially true for those who are really invested and active in the therapy process; coming prepared to session and doing the work outside of our time.  When a client brings this frustration up in session they're usually met with this common response from me asking “And where did you learn that was going to happen?” This is typically met with the knowing eye roll or smirk from the client because they know what’s coming next.  

I think some of the hardest work that's done in therapy is in the art of letting go: letting go of the idea that you are supposed to feel a certain way, letting go of knowing what the outcomes are going to be AND letting go of trying to control those outcomes.   Oftentimes the work that one does in therapy isn't necessarily to change their circumstances (although that might be ideal) it's to help them weather their undesired circumstances better.  So maybe while the work that you're currently doing doesn't feel like it's making that big of a difference you might just be in worse shape without it. The eye roll and smirk from clients is typically because they have already done with work to recognize and accept that life is hard and usually after one hardship ends there's another one not too far behind it and they’ve discovered that what therapy is about is having a space to help navigate the thoughts and feelings that come up during these hardships not remove them. Although as a therapist I’d love to be able to help client alter or remove sources of pain, it’s typically not possible.  

This brings up another topic that I discuss with clients which is that sometimes the progress is in the process not the product; a concept I'll discuss in my next blog. To start your therapy journey connect with us on our contact page.  

On Acceptance...

For the longest time, I practiced therapy utilizing primarily a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) model.  Widely respected, utilized and researched the structural nature of this model really resonated with my “Type A” personality.  For those unfamiliar, a very short explanation of CBT is to assist clients in identifying maladaptive thought patterns or “cognitive distortions”, train the client how to reframe these distortions, engage in desired behavioral changes and a shift in overall mood and functioning will occur.  Easy, right? 

Over the years using this model, I’ve noticed a pattern with many of my clients, especially those with anxiety as their primary clinical issue.  While reframing distortions can take clients to a certain point in managing their distressing thoughts and feelings, for many it just wasn’t enough to really contribute to a satisfying shift in overall functioning.  The residual thoughts and feelings still created a barrier between the client and the rich meaningful life they desired.

Enter: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. 

I was introduced to the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT (spoken like the word “act”) model a few years ago in a consultation group of therapists I belonged to where we talked about cases and consulted on challenges we faced in our roles as therapists.  My colleagues shared how using this model really changed the game for a lot of their clients.  I did a little research, and signed up for a training on the approach.   Slowly after the training I started implementing elements of the model into my practice and I watched as the lightbulb went off for many of my clients. 

Contrary to CBT, rather than resisting and trying to change one’s thoughts and feelings ACT encourages clients to radically accept their existence.  What changes is a person’s response to them.  Rather than trying to talk yourself out of your anxious thoughts, you instead “unhook” yourself from their grasp and choose to coexist with them.  Kind of like the music that is playing at the grocery store while you shop, these thoughts fade into the background and become white noise.  They are still there, they still exist, but they no longer dictate what direction you go.  Instead, a client identifies and engages in “committed actions” that will move them along their journey toward what they want, desire, and value in their life in the midst of these thoughts and emotions. 

For a lot of people the idea of acceptance feels like giving up.  And in a way it is.  It’s giving up a fight with something bigger than ourselves.  Something we may not have the control over we desire.  Awhile back I was going through a tough spot in my own life and I heard something on the radio (I said it was awhile back!) that literally stopped my in my tracks.  I can’t remember what program I was listening to, but the guest speaker said something I’ve never forgotten-  “Acceptance does not equal approval”.  This really shifted things for me at the time and I’ve repeatedly shared it over the years with my clients in different contexts.  When we accept something it doesn’t have to mean we have to be happy or ok with it.  It simply means we choose to stop fighting a battle we aren’t able to win.  And when we do that we can redirect that energy into pursuing the things we find meaningful, the things we value and that will bring richness to our lives. 

One of the hallmarks of ACT is the pursuit of values which I’ve referenced in this post and will discuss in more detail in a future blog, but until then if you are struggling in finding away to identify and pursue the things you value because of unhelpful thoughts, feelings, disfunction in your relationships or distress at home or work, please don’t hesitate to reach out to see if working with one of our therapists would be a good fit for you!

New Year, New You?

The last gift of Christmas is barely unwrapped before we start getting inundated with messages about setting resolutions for the new year. Open just about any form of social media and you'll see multiple New Year’s posts about suggestions, tips, tricks and hacks as to how to choose resolutions and maybe more importantly how to keep them.  From daily exercise goals, dry January, healthy eating, becoming more organized or getting more sleep these types of messages can make us feel inadequate even though we know that the majority of resolutions aren't kept.  Unfortunately, by the time your favorite Instagram content creator has stopped getting their 8 hours of sleep at night that feeling of inadequacy has already been imprinted. 

I recently saw a few posts on Tik Tok that actually invited people to wait to create their resolutions until the spring in accordance with Pagan, astrological, and other practices that align more with nature, with spring being the natural time of fresh starts and new beginnings. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to allow oneself to rest during the time nature does.    

What I'd like you to consider whether you do it in January or in the spring is to change the approach of resolving to reach a certain goal to identifying more clearly what your values are.  Subsequently, once you identify your values you can then identify what committed actions would be in line with those values and move you closer to them.  This idea comes from an approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT, and I've been utilizing it a lot more with my clients with good results.   It’s more flexible than other approaches and works better for many clients. 

The concept of selecting and pursuing values as opposed to goals or resolutions allows a lot more space for making mistakes and occasionally missing the mark.  For example, if I set a resolution of eating healthy in the new year and have a day where I indulge in sweet treats I would feel like somehow I’ve failed.  However if I identify my value of living a healthier lifestyle then even on a day where I’ve indulged I could still act in accordance with my values by having also exercised that day, taken a walk or eating a salad as one of my meals. 

A great resource to help you hone in on your values is the value card sort activity found here but to keep it simple the main value areas are personal growth, relationships, work & education and recreation/ leisure.  Identify what the committed actions are toward the pursuit of those values and work on engaging in them in small and consistent  ways.  For many clients a shift in this mentality allows them to experience more success and offer themselves more compassion along their growth journey. 

If you'd like to learn more about this approach or are struggling and feel therapy could be beneficial to you feel free to contact us to get connected with a therapist to assist you. 

Navigating difficult family relationships during the Holidays

For a therapist, the holiday season is usually a busy time assisting clients in navigating challenging family dynamics.  As family to get togethers increase during this time clients often acknowledge the stressors that accompany these events. One of the things I notice often is that clients are frequently struggling with acceptance- the acceptance that the family that they have is the family they’re stuck with can sometimes feel like a tough pill to swallow.  Our resistance toward that acceptance can often make this process even harder (we’ll do more on acceptance in another blog post!)

One of the strategies I introduce to clients to move closer toward this acceptance is to acknowledge and name these dynamics prior to family gatherings and to create a game plan including coping strategies before walking into these situations

I’ve certainly had tricky relationships with family members in the past and every time I encountered these individuals at a get together I often felt blindsided by these negative interactions. I’d respond with hurt and sometimes angry reactivity.  One day when I was debriefing these experiences with a trusted friend it occurred to me that it seemed so silly to expect anything but what I was getting from these individuals because that's all I had ever gotten from them.   When I got to that place of recognition and acceptance I was able to create a plan for how was I going to navigate these situations moving forward instead of just hoping for change. For example instead of having any expectation that these people were going to be warm, inviting or kind to me I made the intentional decision to spend my time with some of the other people at these gatherings, to busy myself by helping the host, to hang out and spend more time with the kids or even to allow myself to briefly leave the gathering and take a walk. 

So I invite you to approach your next family or social gathering in the same way.  When you know what you're going to get from somebody recognize it, name it, expect it ahead of time and then engage your coping strategies or game plan once you’ve arrived.  If you happen to get anything better than that acknowledge it as a pleasant surprise in this moment (and don't expect it again in the next!)

I hope you find this information helpful and as always if you find that this or other circumstances in your life are impacting your functioning and you would like support please reach out to us on our contact page to get connected with a therapist to help support you. 

Introduction to Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy: A Guest Blog

Hey readers! It’s been quite awhile since I wrote a blog but I recently have the pleasure of meeting Dr. Julie Berube a pelvic floor physical therapist in the Central New York area. She has lots of great information to share in this guest blog post. Please read and enjoy!

-If you are reading this and weren’t even aware that physical therapy exists for the pelvic floor you are not alone! As a pelvic floor physical therapist, my job is to help bridge the gap between being told to do nothing for the first six weeks after your delivery and then suddenly being cleared for return to all activities but having no clue where to start and feeling lost in your postpartum body.

In a perfect world, it is my (clearly biased) opinion that every woman should have access to an evaluation by a pelvic floor physical therapist sometime around 6-8 weeks postpartum.  This would serve to at least check the state of the pelvic floor after both C-section and vaginal deliveries.  In addition this appointment could provide tips regarding nursing positioning, proper lifting and carrying mechanics, and a stepwise exercise progression for return to activity safely. Unfortunately that is not yet standard procedure, however there are some signs that you should definitely see a pelvic floor physical therapist for more individualized help. 

1.  You are having accidental urinary or fecal incontinence (leakage) that continues to occur beyond six weeks after delivery. This could be happening during a cough, laugh, or sneeze or during activities such as walking, stairs, bending over, running, or jumping. It could also occur due to a strong overwhelming urge that is difficult to control or without you realizing that leakage is happening. Even if the amount of leakage is just a couple drops, it is still beneficial to address it sooner rather than later, as it is a sign of a larger weakness in the core muscle system. Leakage doesn’t have to be something to laugh off or that is “just part of being a mom”; it is something that can typically be completely resolved. 

2. You have a feeling of increased pelvic heaviness/pressure or the sensation of pelvic organs falling down. This is a sensation related to pelvic organ prolapse, which occurs when the bladder, urethra, vaginal wall, uterus, small bowel or rectum is collapsing downward. You can have a greater risk of developing a prolapse after childbirth just due to the amount of pushing and pressure down on your pelvic floor during delivery, as well as some of the hormonal changes that contribute to increased ligament laxity during pregnancy to allow for birth. The good news is that you can learn strategies to help protect your pelvic floor as it is healing in order to avoid continued excess pressure on the pelvic organs. A pelvic floor physical therapist can also teach you how to strengthen the muscles in the pelvic floor and in the core in order to help better support the pelvic organs as well. 

3. You are having pain or discomfort when returning to sexual intercourse with your partner. Sometimes this discomfort can be due to scar tissue from perineal tearing or an episiotomy or even C-section incision. Sometimes the discomfort can be due to extra tension in the muscles of the pelvic floor- remember these muscles had to work extra hard all throughout your pregnancy to help hold the baby up- so sometimes they need to be retrained how to relax again. Whatever the cause of the pain, your pelvic floor PT can help figure out the reason behind why the pain is occurring and develop a plan to be able to be intimate with your partner without pain. 

Of course, there are other issues postpartum such as diastasis recti (abdominal muscle separation or “mommy tummy”), symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD), and coccyx (tailbone) pain including other joint pains that can develop due to the repetitive activities you are now performing on an hourly basis as a new mom (think feeding, lifting, carrying) as your body is still healing. A pelvic floor physical therapist can help you address any and all of these potential issues that arise throughout the fourth trimester and the postpartum period. Luckily, even if your medical provider doesn’t refer you to a pelvic floor PT, you can seek out a pelvic floor PT on your own in New York State without a referral. To get started with a free consultation or to book an initial evaluation, contact jberube@livewellcnypt.com or visit our website at livewellcnypt.com. 

Dr. Julie Berube is a pelvic floor physical therapist who is on a mission to revolutionize the standard of healthcare for women in Central New York. She is the owner and founder at LiveWell CNY Physical Therapy, LLC in Syracuse, NY.

Coping With the Grief of Infant and Pregnancy Loss

If you are reading this article, I would assume that somehow your life has been touched by the loss of an infant or pregnancy. So the first thing I would like to say is that I am sorry. This is a burden no person should ever have to bear. However, it is a burden that many people do, so the second thing I want to acknowledge is that you are not alone. You are doing the right thing by taking some steps toward healing and my hope is that this blog offers you some useful information.

With that said, I want to acknowledge that everyone’s grief journey is different. The information I am about to offer is certainly not a comprehensive list of how to cope and not everything on this list will appeal or apply to you or your circumstances, and that’s OK. Simply take what you find helpful and feel free to leave the rest. Here are some tips for negotiating this process.

Recognize ALL your grief

Often when a pregnancy or young infant is lost, somehow the grief is “disenfranchised”, meaning it’s not recognized as being as difficult or traumatic because the life of that individual was so short. I can say for certain in my work I have seen this is not the case. Many mothers tell me that as soon as they become pregnant they start making plans and/or fantasizing about their life with this new baby. So the grief experienced is not just the loss of the short life this child had, it’s about the life you imagined for them. I’ve recently heard someone say that it was the death of their parenthood. Allow yourself the space to grieve all of this. The birthday parties, proms, graduations and weddings that will never happen for that child require your attention too, and you are allowed to grieve them.

Embrace what you had with your baby

This one is so difficult, because what you had with your baby will never feel like enough, but it is all you got with them, so when you are ready, try to embrace it. This may look like;

1. Giving baby a name. Even if your loss occurred early and you are unsure of the gender, feel free to assign one to the baby and give it a name.

2. Journal or scrapbook about your baby. Write out the story of your life together with him or her. Finding out you were pregnant, family celebrations that occurred during pregnancy, even the multiple middle of the night trips to the bathroom are the memories you have with your sweet baby, so document them.

3. Create a memory box: Find a box where you can store momentos from your baby’s life. Sonograms or other photos, cards, baby hat, blanket or footprints from the hospital, etc. are all examples of what you can put in your memory box. I often advise my clients to write a letter to their baby and add it to the box. You can return to the box as often as you want/need to. Even if you rarely do, having it is proof this life existed and was meaningful to you, and that in and of itself can be very powerful.

4. Find a way to memorialize your baby: If your loss was early or you chose not to have a funeral, finding a way to memorialize your baby’s life can be very helpful. You can plant a tree, make a donation to a charity in their honor, place a small stone or figure in your garden, participating in a pregnancy or infant loss charity walk, or have a space in your home where you keep a photo or trinket that acknowledges your baby. It does not have to be some large gesture, it may only be known to you, but again it symbolizes the significance of this baby in your life.

get support!

It may be very tempting to isolate during this time of grief. Personally and professionally I believe that being alone with your thoughts and feeling has some value, but it’s very easy to get stuck there. If you are struggling with interacting with others in the “real world”, it may be helpful to find a pregnancy and infant loss support group or a specially trained therapist to speak with. Luckily, as the secretive nature and stigma around pregnancy and infant loss is slowly declining, more resources are becoming available. Even online groups have shown to have positive impacts on participants. In fact studies have shown that even people who “lurk” in online support groups (as opposed to actively engaging in by posting or commenting) report better outcomes compared to those who aren’t in any support networks at all. A quick Google search will bring up multiple resources both national and local.

Again, this is a short list and there are certainly many other things you could engage in that might be helpful, but I encourage you to begin your healing journey by trying one of these suggestions. If you or your loved one are still struggling, please connect with me for more information or support.

Let It Go!

My last blog post was all about the utility of worry, and how sometimes we can get “stuck” hanging on to these worries. This post is going to be all about learning to let go of unpleasant thoughts and emotions like worry and the steps to get you there.

Step 1 Feel It

The first step in letting go of worry is to first connect with your feelings. We are often moving through life at such breakneck speeds that we are unable to recognize how we are feeling until it has come to a head and and we are ready to either explode or implode. Either way, it’s no good. So to hit step one, it’s best to try to slow down and be mindful of your emotions.

Step 2 Name It

Once you recognize that you are feeling something it’s important to know what exactly you are feeling. Some feelings like anger, frustration, impatience are actually masking other feelings like worry, hurt, fear and sadness. As part of Step One your challenge is to slow down and recognize your feelings, the next part is to think a little about your feelings and make sure that what is being expressed is really what the fundamental emotion is.

Step 3 Release it

This particular step can feel a little “hippy dippy” when I describe it to people, but it’s a necessary part of letting go of unpleasant emotions, like worry. This is where you make a conscious decision not to let this emotion take over. This can be done by simply taking a deep breath in and saying to yourself “By breathing in I recognize my emotion and by breathing out I release it”. Sometimes it can help to speak to yourself in the third person to lock your mind in to what you are asking it to do.

Step 4 Redirect It

The final step is to redirect your mental energy. It’s important to have an arsenal of pleasurable activities that engage your mind when you are feeling poorly and your mind is running away from you. Watching a favorite show, engaging in a hobby, doing something artistic or creative are all ways to distract your mind from your worry. This is not simply distraction on it’s own! It’s very important to do the other steps first and not just jump to this one. Engaging the entire process is imperative to letting go as opposed to just distracting your mind from it. We know when you just distract the thoughts and feelings have a way of coming back bigger and stronger.

Hopefully you find this information of use to you in letting go of unpleasant and stuck emotions. If you find you are still experiencing difficulty, you might find it useful to speak with a professional counselor or therapist to move you through your stuck points. Feel free to reach out on my contact page for more information.

Why Should I Worry?

Anyone else singing the song from the old Disney movie “ Oliver and Company?” Just me? OK, then let’s move on….

Worry. It’s kind of part of the human condition. If you care about anything or anyone in your life you will at some point worry about it or them. The problem is, that sometimes this worry gets in the way of our functioning. It takes us away from being present in this moment because we are still worrying about the last moment or how to face the next.

So is worrying just…bad? The answer is no. We have actually been “gifted” the ability to feel anxious or worried as part of our adaptive functioning to promote our survival. Our flags go up and we do things in order to ensure our safety. That’s a good thing, right? Not always, because sometimes people worry on overdrive, worrying about things that have nothing to do with safety, or things that can’t be controlled, or that they have little influence over. So, then what?

What I will frequently coach clients on is pulling what is useful or productive from their worry. So for example, we worry about our kid’s safety. OK, let’s make that worry productive. Go ahead and tell them to hold your hand or look both ways when they cross the street, buckle their seat belts in the car, and teach them not to speak with strangers, etc. All these things are good things. I encourage clients to respond to the worry in useful ways as long as it doesn’t interfere with their (or in this case, their child’s) functioning. Although it may help to ensure your or your kiddo’s safety, never leaving the house really isn’t an option, because that impacts the overall functioning of everyone involved.

But because anxiety and worry can be a real jerk sometimes it will always remind you of the “what ifs”. The elements you can’t control. This is the worry where there is nothing productive to pull from it. So what do you do with that? The answer is: you learn to let it go.

The sad truth is, somewhere today someone is worrying about something bad happening. They are overcome with the worry. Maybe it is even incapacitating them in some way. And, then the bad thing still happens. The worry did absolutely NOTHING to affect the outcome of what the person was worrying about. It only robbed them of any joy or experience of being present leading up to the event. The worry served no purpose but to make that person feel like garbage. The outcome may remain the same, but in letting go, the person has a better overall quality of life.

So, Elsa style (man I’m on a Disney kick today) we need to let go of that residual worry, which is easier said then done. So stay tuned, because my next blog post will include some tips/tricks on how to do just that. And as always, feel free to reach out with any questions you may have.

Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Book Review and Comparison

Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts

By Karen Kleiman

Buy on Amazon

Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers

By Karen Kleiman

Buy on Amazon

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Perinatal Distress

By Amy Wenzel

Buy on Amazon

As I may have mentioned before, I hate to read. However, it comes with the territory of the work that I do that I need to read and provide quality book recommendations to my clients. I knew that I needed to put books by therapist, author and PMAD pro Karen Kleiman and co-author Amy Wenzel at the top of my list. Based on what I’ve read so far, I can say with confidence that ANYTHING with Karen Kleiman as an author/co-author is going to be a valuable read (Yes I am fangirling here…she’s amazing and I want to be her when I grow up!) A few months ago I did a review on “Good Moms have Scary Thoughts” which you can read HERE, but I wanted to go back to the OG of books on scary thoughts, which is why the subject of this review is “Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood”.

Compared to “Good Moms” this book offers a much more in depth understanding of what exactly scary thoughts are, what causes them, and approaches on how to gain relief. The book is divided in three sections titled “What’s going on”, “Clinical Concerns”, and “Breaking the Cycle of Scary Thoughts”.

Section One differentiates between typical presentations of new mom worry, anxiety, and scary thoughts. It details the different types of scary thoughts that mothers have and includes examples and personal accounts from real women who share their own experiences. The authors do a really good job of normalizing some of these experiences for new parents. They also share some of the “why” behind the scary thoughts, which is very important to many mothers to help with externalizing symptoms and helping ease some of the blame moms place on themselves for having them in the first place. I think it’s important to note that at the end of each chapter they offer a “Take Home Point” for both mothers and clinicians. This was very helpful especially since there is so much good information it’s useful to boil it down to the most valuable information.

Section Two starts with helping mothers recognize when they need additional help/support in addressing their scary anxious thoughts. The different types of Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) are discussed and “really scary thoughts” including suicidal thoughts and psychotic symptoms are also addressed. There is a chapter on barriers to relief and a chapter on screening. I think that these chapters speak a little more to the clinicians reading the book, however are valuable to mothers in order to predict potential obstacles and promote self-advocacy in their treatment.

Finally Section Three really gets at the meat and potatoes of how to get relief. The authors give ideas that are easy to implement and practice in order to begin experience change as well as a whole chapter on Cognitive Behavioral Interventions. This is Amy Wenzel’s chapter to really shine as she’s an expert in utilizing this approach with the perinatal population and co-authored a book with Karen Kleiman on this topic (and HEY I’ve shockingly already read it and it’s awesome! Check it out below!) They continue the section by discussing professional options like therapy and/or medication when self-help just isn’t moving the needle for readers as well as offer a chapter on enlisting help from the supports available to moms.

I would say the best chapter in the book is entitled “Your Personal Treatment Plan” which helps readers create an action plan of how to take all the information presented in the book and implement it. I think this is a great way to put everything in the book together. This is especially helpful for a new mom who is most likely sleep deprived and reading in a disjointed way making it difficult to remember what you read in chapter one by the time you get to chapter 11!

Compared to “Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts” this book is a little more “book-y” in that it’s longer and presented in a typical fashion, whereas “Good Moms” has a more relaxed approach to presenting information. I have a hard time imagining the moms I work with in their most anxious or depressed state sitting down to read this type of book. For that reason I am more likely to recommend “Good Moms” first. I say that while also recognizing that the moms I interact with are typically in significant distress which is why they are coming to me in the first place and a reader dealing with less intensive symptoms may do just fine with this book. I also want to acknowledge that I am also saying that as a non-reader and for someone who reading comes more naturally to, it may bring great comfort to sit and read a book of this nature. This book is a little pricey although I feel the info in it is of great worth. “Good Moms” is much more inexpensive which makes it giftable as a baby shower or new mom present.

To my understanding the book is currently being revised and updated but there was nothing in this book I felt was dated or irrelevant. All in all in my opinion this book is another winner by these authors, and I would highly recommend it to both clinicians and moms.

If you are interested in reading either of these titles click on the following links to purchase through Amazon. And as always, feel free to reach out through my contact page to get more info on this or any other topic relating to reproductive and maternal mental health.

Surviving Postpartum with Twins

The first in my guest blog series is all about the postpartum experience with twins written by therapist and twin mom, Lindsey Lowrance. Enjoy!

It’s Twins! (Gulp, Faint, Whaa?) Here’s What You Need to Know

What’s different about having twins?

While helping twin moms go from drained and distracted to powerful and fulfilled, I’ve learned that there are some things that are very different for parents of twins and multiples. I’m a twin mom myself and can also speak from personal experience. The question on everyone’s mind when this comes up is ‘what’s the difference?’ Isn’t it just an extra baby in the mix?

Actually, there’s a lot more to it than that. When one parent is on their own with both babies (whether this is running an errand or staying at home while the other parent works), they are outnumbered and often overwhelmed. Many moms of twins stress that they can’t do all the bonding activities that moms of single babies do, partially because of logistics and partially because there is so much extra work and attention that needs to be divided. Can you imagine taking two babies to a Mommy and Me class?

Logistics are one of the hardest obstacles new parents of twins have to conquer. Here are some examples: how will I get both babies in and out of the car at the same time? How will I feed both babies at the same time (or do I feed them one at a time while the second one screams impatiently and this doubles the time it takes me at each feeding)? What if I’m out in public and they both are crying- how can I help them both at the same time without an extra set of hands? Will people think I’m a bad parent because I don’t have time to shower or get dressed for the day and my babies keep crying while I take care of one and then the other back and forth in a frenzy?

Many moms of twins can feel envious of other moms that get to peacefully hold and rock just one baby the whole time they are in public, or gaze lovingly into their baby’s eyes without having any distractions (like a twin baby needing mom’s attention). First time parents usually try hard to do everything perfectly according to their parenting plans and ideals, but with twin parents they often have to quickly throw out any ideas of perfection, timeliness or organization and learn to accept the chaos.  

Don’t get me wrong, having twins is something so special and magical in its own way. While we often hear what is hard about it, there are so many wonderful things too like twins being best friends, or having a unique bond from the get-go. I’m happy to be a part of the twin community because I get a front row seat at the cool twin life and to witness their incredible relationships. I wouldn’t change it for the world! But there certainly are differences and challenges that are worth hearing about so you know that you aren’t alone.

What’s Different About Postpartum with Twins?

  Newborns take a lot of work and it can be stressful adjusting to huge life changes like this.

Parents with newborn twins are usually in survival mode, chugging away at tasks day and night to keep those little babies fed, clean, and healthy. Many couples assume it will be miserable the first 6 months or so because they’ve been warned that the first 6 months (or year) of having twins will be SO HARD. Parents of multiples also sometimes hear that the divorce rates are higher and that raising twins/ multiples is very tough on relationships.

It doesn’t HAVE to be miserable! Yes- it’s a lot of work and so many things change, but having twins CAN be wonderful in its own right.

What many parents of twins/ multiples don’t realize is that postpartum mood disorders are actually more common given all the stress and financial strains of having more than one newborn. Postpartum depression/anxiety tends to happen in the midst of chaos and sleep deprivation that it can be hard to notice that you are not dealing with the “normal” amount of stress. Let’s face it, it’s hard to know exactly what is normal when managing two or more babies at once!

How can we tell when we are dealing with a ‘normal’ and expected amount of stress or when there is something more going on?

While pregnant, we all imagine having these wonderful, magical bonding moments with our new babies and soaking it all in. We dream happily of the beautiful connection that moms have with their new babies and all the adorable little baby toes and fingers.

What if you don’t get those magical moments with your newborns? What if it’s all hard work and you don’t feel those happy, blissful moments when the babies are here?

It turns out that postpartum mood disorders (depression, anxiety, PTSD, and OCD) are all too common in the twin world, but we don’t really talk about it. Twin parents (yes partners too) are at a much higher risk of having a mood disorder in that first year. Why is that?

When having twins or triplets, there are some extra stressors that a couple deals with that put them at higher risk of postpartum moods.

·         Financial strain (2 babies equals 2 of everything, not to mention daycare costs and hospital bills)

·         Extra hormones from pregnancy & postpartum due to physically carrying more than one baby (Yes, your body is impacted more and has an increase in hormones and blood flow than a woman carrying one baby)

·         Extra stress! (It’s not just twice as much work, it’s the lack of breaks/ rest and being out-numbered when one parent goes to work or runs errands)

·         Little to no support from family or friends (it’s hard to keep in touch when you’re run ragged on baby tasks and little sleep. Unfortunately, many don’t have family nearby and can’t afford to hire help, which leaves them really strained to do it all without help)

·         Many parents of multiples experienced infertility or complications with pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding (When there are 2 babies the pregnancy gets more complicated and is treated as high risk. Birth can feel like it’s totally out of your control when medical teams decide what’s best and take charge.)

Each of these factors increase your chance of having depression, anxiety, or other impacts on your mood.

Baby Blues: The first 4 weeks after giving birth, it is completely normal to have extreme emotions and hormonal mood swings because your body is going through major changes. Any woman going through the intensity of hormone changes in her body will have some adjustment period. It is not necessarily depression or anxiety. If it continues, then it can be helpful to check in on how you’re really doing.

Did you Know:

·         If you have ever experienced depression, anxiety or any mental health issue before pregnancy that you have a much higher chance of developing postpartum (or prenatal) mood disorders?

·         High risk pregnancies, pregnancy complications, NICU time, and problems with breastfeeding can lead to more struggles with mood?

·         Perfectionists &/or people with high expectations are more likely to suffer?

Here is a checklist of some common things to look for so that you know if your struggles cross the point of needing something more.

Checklist for Postpartum (or during pregnancy) Mood Issues:

o   Zoned out or distant

o   Irritated very easily

o   Overwhelmed most of the time

o   Not feeling connected to kids/babies, partner

o   Feel like you’re just barely surviving day to day

o   Worried about _____ most days or for long periods of time

o   Fighting with your partner more than usual

o   Yelling at your kids often

o   Feeling like a failure

o   So much guilt!

o   It’s hard to be around other people

o   Not interested in things you usually enjoy

o   Scared that something bad will happen to your babies

o   Trouble sleeping even when the babies are sleeping

Checked a couple things on the list? It may be time to talk with your doctor, OBGYN/ midwife, or call a therapist to figure out how to make things better.

You CAN feel good while surviving the chaos of newborn twins, and you CAN enjoy moments with them and feel like yourself! It’s a big adjustment Momma, and you may need some extra support. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Brought to you by twin mom & maternal mental health specialist Lindsey Lowrance at Twin Mom Power. Lindsey is passionate about helping twin moms Go from Drained & Distracted to Powerful & Fulfilled! For more information & resources on surviving & thriving the twin life go to: www.lindseycounseling.com or Email: lindsey@exploringinnerpeace.com Phone: 720-243-3993

Summer Blog Series

Hello readers! Just wanted to make you aware that for the summer I will be hosting a summer blog series with posts by guest bloggers. These will be written by other professionals in the reproductive/maternal mental health field. I hope you enjoy hearing from the perspectives of other therapists who do this very important work.

Enjoy!

Myths of Motherhood Final Installment: The Myth of the "Good Mother"

Close your eyes. Create an image or picture in your mind of a “good mother” What does she look like? Dress like? Act like? How does she compare to how you evaluate yourself as a mother? Do you measure up or fall short?

Now think about where you got your idea of what a good mother is. Was it from the example your own mother set? From what you see your friends do? Maybe you got your idea from books, movies, or social media. How does thinking about this idea of the “good mother” make you feel?

So many women walk around with this idea of what a good mother is. The job qualifications are usually full of should-type thinking. A good mother should breastfeed, be happy to get up at night with her baby, love every minute of parenting, not miss her work/friends/life before baby. And when you don’t measure up, it’s pretty easy to start getting down on yourself.

I believe the myth of the “good mother” is actually a collection of myths through all the stages of parenting that starts even before you become a parent! I share some of these myths down below .

1. Pregnancy: Good mothers find it easy to get pregnant, and her pregnancy is welcomed and planned, she glows and is full of joy as she waits for her little bundle.

2. Labor and Delivery: A good mother believes that a natural delivery is the only way to go and the only thing that’s best for your baby, if she requires a c-section it means there is something wrong with her body and she has failed, once the baby has arrived she feels immediately bonded to her baby and an outpouring of love.

3. Parenting: The good mother always put herself last and does it happily, she never loses her patience or expresses anger ESPECIALLY toward her infant, she focuses on all the gifts parenting brings and can’t identify any loss/grief experienced in parenthood, makes perfect Pinterest creations for every birthday/celebration and does it all without asking for help which is a sign of weakness, she experiences “Mom Guilt” which is normal/natural and is the mark of a good mom.

If these are the messages we are immersed in how do we shift our thinking about the good mother? Here are some helpful tips.

First: Stop the comparison game. When you are comparing yourself and your life to others you are often comparing your blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel. Rarely are people posting their most raw, vulnerable, ugly moments on social media or sharing it at a backyard cookout. Stay away from situations that suck you in to this comparison pattern. I often suggest moms to take a social media break or “break up” with that competitive mom friend. Check in with yourself and ask if what you are doing or who you are doing it with makes you feel good. If it doesn’t, stop.

Second: Focus on what you have done/accomplished rather than what you haven’t. Having young children is hard. Some days even a shower is hard to come by. Instead of focusing on the sink full of dishes or the clean laundry that hasn’t been folded, take inventory of what you have done today. How many diapers have you changed, sippy cups have you filled, kisses and cuddles have you given, etc, etc, etc. If you stop and think about it you are working all day long accomplishing many tasks that are essential to your baby’s well being. Pay attention to what you are doing instead of what you aren’t and give yourself a pat on the back.

Third: Let go of “should” thinking. There are capital “S” shoulds and lowercase “s” shoulds. The uppercase ones are non-negotiable like brushing teeth and buckling your seat belt. The lowercase ones are typically based on unrealistic expectations and usually serve no purpose but to make you feel like you are not measuring up. Let. Them. Go.

Fourth: Stop trying to be perfect and strive to be “perfectly good”. Perfection is unattainable, but being perfectly good is certainly achievable. Lowering the bar does not mean admitting defeat, it’s just meeting yourself where you are and allowing yourself to be human. You have little eyes on you that are learning how to treat themselves by watching you. Extend some self-compassion when you miss the mark, and keep trying your best.

Hopefully this series has been helpful. Please feel free to share with whomever you feel may benefit from the information. If you attempt the four tips above and still struggle with the impact the myths of motherhood have on your emotionally, mentally, in relationships or otherwise please reach out to a mental health professional for help.

Myths of Motherhood: Part 4

Myth Number Four: All Moms Worry

This myth is a tough one to “debunk”. Because the truth is, all moms will worry about their child at some point. This is certainly to be expected. One of my sayings with clients is that “it’s not a problem until it’s a problem”. How I define a problem is when there is a disruption in functioning.   When worry gets in the way of your sleep patterns, affects your appetite, work at home or in your place of employment, or is affecting your relationships, you know there is a disruption in functioning.

Unfortunately this level of worry and anxiety is common, (right now statistics show that Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders affect 20% of mothers) which means that often moms will reach out to their providers, family or friends and are told that this is “normal”. There is a difference between common and normal. So even though this is seen frequently in women, it is NOT normal to worry to excessive levels that impact functioning.

Moms who worry constantly about something bad happening, experiencing obsessive intrusive thoughts, practicing rituals (cleaning, counting, reassurance seeking), racing thoughts, significant sleep and appetite disturbance, and/or panic attacks are suffering from clinical levels of anxiety which requires treatment.

Treatment may include medication, therapy or a combination of both which typical results in the best and quickest rate of recovery. If you or someone you care about are struggling during pregnancy or in the postpartum period , it’s important to get help to improve outcomes for both mom and baby. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to reach out to me on my contact page.

Myths of Motherhood: Part Three

Myth #3: Since breastfeeding is natural it should be easy!!

NO WAY! Breastfeeding is NOT easy. So many moms get caught by the idea that since breastfeeding is natural it should come….well, naturally. But the thing is, breastfeeding is a learned skill for both you and your baby! Both of you are new to this, it can be messy, uncomfortable, and sometimes even painful. When moms struggle they often feel like this is some sort of failure on their part, but I assure you it is not.

There are so many variables that that determine the level of success or struggle that comes with breastfeeding. First let’s account for the fact that your baby is a complete stranger to you. You (hopefully!) wouldn’t walk up to someone on the street and offer your breast to them, so why would it feel any less awkward to do it with this brand new little person in your life???

Second, unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of support readily available to a new breastfeeding mom. In the hospital it is often a labor and delivery nurse who supervises the first breastfeeding session. Then you move to the maternity ward where you have another new nurse, or multiple new nurses with shift changes. In my personal experience a lactation consultant didn’t visit me until the day after my daughter was born and she completely contradicted what I had been told by the nurses! If after you go home you need additional support you need to seek it out and find it for yourself. Talk about stressful when you’ve got scabby, leaky nipples dripping with milk and a crying hungry baby!

Third, the sense of urgency and duty that comes with breastfeeding can often set you up for failure. Although the benefits of breastfeeding are undeniable, I feel we have gone a little off the deep end with all the “Breast is Best” campaigns. When a mom struggles to (or just plain chooses to not) breastfeed, they can often feel like they are somehow shortchanging their baby. They often try to muscle through the process, which can really have a negative impact on their moods, creating an even more risky situation for both mom AND baby.

Finally, you can’t force your body to do something it just isn’t able to do. I am aware of a lactation consultant who had all the training and resources around breastfeeding at her fingertips and she just didn’t produce enough milk to sustain her baby. No amount of breastfeeding cookies, biscuits or teas can overcome this biological barrier for some and it is not a reflection of you as a mom. All it means is that breastfeeding wasn’t a fit for you by no fault of your own.

What I know for sure is having support is going to set you up for the best chance at success. Consider taking a breastfeeding class when you are pregnant, hiring a postpartum doula for after baby comes (many are well versed in breastfeeding, are breastfeeding educators or lactation consultants themselves), and be sure you have the names and numbers of local lactation consultants handy BEFORE you need them. And as always, if you are experiencing a significant amount of distress around breastfeeding or other issues please reach out for help. You can click here to contact me.

Myths of Motherhood: Part Two

Last week I started a series on the “Myths of Motherhood”. We continue the series this week with myth #2

Myth #2: Bonding with a baby is instantaneous

Before I start first I want to ask you to Google the word “mother” and look up the images. What do you see? The majority of the images show beautiful, smiling, women, who are well dressed with their make-up on holding their newborn babies. Talk to just about any mother and they’ll tell you that the day their baby was born was the happiest day of their life and they felt instant love. I’m here to call “BS” on both!

The messages we receive communicate to us that these first days of motherhood should be blissful, and that as our babies are born the heavens part and angels descend showering us with a love greater than any other we’ve experienced. But the truth is, it’s very common and perfectly normal to feel the exact opposite, but many women are afraid to share their real feelings for fear of judgment from others.

The reality is that even though this baby is of you and your partner, they are still a complete STRANGER to you (and you to them!) It’s going to take time for you both to figure these new roles out. Not to mention the fact that you are doing it while you are bleeding, leaking, sore and sleep deprived. Especially with young infants, the relationship is very one-sided with parents giving, giving, giving and getting very little in return, it can be very difficult to feel connected.

So what do you do when you have a baby and you just aren’t quite feeling the love yet? The first thing is to give it time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way and just let it develop naturally. If however in additional to the lack of bonding you are noticing other things happening like excessive crying, sadness, irritability, sleep or appetite changes, a lack of interest or pleasure in things, or just plain not feeling like yourself you may be experiencing a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder like postpartum depression. This requires additional support and attention from a medical or counseling professional (or both!). If you or someone you know are experiencing these symptoms it is important to reach out. Feel free to connect with me if you have any additional questions or comments related to this topic, and stay tuned for Myth #3 next week!

Blog Series: Myths of Motherhood

Today I’m starting a five part blog series on the “Myths of Motherhood”. So many of my clients walk into sessions with a number of “shoulds” on their mind. This pattern of thinking tells them what a good mother should feel, say and do. These shoulds tell them how motherhood is supposed to be. The problem is that most of the time these ideas are unrealistic and based on their own distorted or unhelpful patterns of thinking. As a famous therapist Albert Ellis once said….Stop shoulding on yourself!! As you can imagine, it can make a real mess emotionally, behaviorally and relationally.

My goal with this series is to debunk some of these myths of motherhood to help you rethink the expectations you may be placing on yourself, help you realize you are not alone, drop the shoulds and maybe even extend a little self-compassion your way.

Myth #1: Every pregnancy is expected, wanted, excitement is the only acceptable emotion

Nope, they are not! In fact, the national average of unplanned pregnancies floats around 50%. That just goes to show you there are plenty of surprise babies walking around our streets every day (you might even be one of them!). The fact that a pregnancy was unplanned or even initially unwanted is NOT an indicator of whether or not you’ll be a good mother.

The thing is whether planned or not, pregnancies come with a ton of change, transition, loss and even grief. YES!  The “happiest time of your life” can include feelings of grief around the loss of your body, identity, freedom, spousal connection, work identity, finances, sex life, sense of self and SO MUCH MORE! Pregnancy can be delightful, or it can be really challenging. Just because you don’t love every minute (or ANY minute) of it does not make you a bad mom. This can be ESPECIALLY hard to accept for women who worked really hard to become pregnant. They often carry a sense that they should be grateful for every hemorrhoid and vericose vein that accompanies their pregnancy. I’m here to tell you….there AIN’T NOBODY WHO IS GRATEFUL FOR HEMORRHOIDS!

What’s really troubling is that we don’t get this kind of messaging as moms. The expectation by society, family, friends, and the media is the opposite. Images of happy, glowing moms flood our social media or Pinterest feeds. People ask leading questions like, “Aren’t you so excited?" or “Don’t you love being pregnant?”, with certain expectations for a happy, upbeat answer. You are frequently asked how you’re feeling but rarely is anyone is asking about your mental or emotional health. This puts a lot of pressure on moms to “perform”, often not being fully honest about how they are really feeling.

If you’ve ever watched “Sex and the City”, you might remember the episode where the character Miranda “fakes” her sonogram. When she finds out she’s having a boy the technician reacts with jubilation and expects Miranda to do the same. She follows suit, even though it’s not how she really feels. I’m sure anyone who has been pregnant before can identify with this pressure to be, or feel, or do to some extent.

Hopefully the acknowledgement of this idea as a myth allows you to be able to release the expectations and “shoulds” you are holding yourself to. If you find this difficult, or if your thoughts around this idea are interfering with your ability to function, you may benefit from getting some professional support on how to change this way of thinking. Feel free to reach out to me on my contact page for more information or support. Stay tuned for Myth #2 next week!!